November 21, 2013
Today is difficult, surprisingly so after what has already happened this week and what we were going through. Maybe because of lack of sleep, numbness, shock and disbelief, I don’t know. I guess it could be added up to all the above. We signed the papers. We had waited as long as we could in delaying Eric; but we had already agreed that we would donate your organs.
At first Monica said NO; and if she had continued to express her desire to say no, we would not have done so. But her delay did not last long. We were thinking of it as your decision. We knew it is what you would want, and we knew it the right thing to do. Wasn’t it I who had completed your California ID card and checked the pink dot for you?
I guess I didn’t think the day would come, when I wouldn’t be going with you. Or I thought, like so many others that it would be an easy decision to see that you had passed and no other option prevailed. This situation, seeing you breathing and warm; watching the monitor and seeing your heart beat across the screen, it was different. How could I let you go? By signing those papers, would they stop waiting for you to wake up? I was saying goodbye to my breathing child; and what if one more day made a difference!
No matter that 2 doctors had declared you brain dead, and by all legal and probably moral purposes you had died, this mother still held out hope that surprise you would open your eyes and everything would be brought right in my world again.
Yet you did not stir, and as the night of the 20th came to a close Eric was letting us know that he would be leaving and his associate Robert would be coming in. I thought what if Robert is not as considerate as Eric, because although your ID had the pick dot on it, an exception was made for us! You didn’t make that decision for yourself, I did, so the decision was mine to make and One Legacy would honor and respect my wishes. What if Robert argued differently? Did I really want to proceed all over with someone different who had not been with us already, who did know our story and who you were, and how much you meant to us?
So at the very last moment I said yes, and we (myself, daddy George, Monica and Junior) went into another room to sit down with Eric and sign the papers. It was an eye opener. I never realized what could be donated. I had not an idea about tissue, bone, cartilages, skin! I had only thought vital organs were donated. I didn’t know that heart and lung transplants were very rare and only idea situations such as yours, made it possible; or that heart and lungs had to be transplanted within 6 hours, from donor, to recipient. We couldn’t say yes to bone, (someone told us bones were sold…not true! But at the time what did I know!).
We said yes to your eyes, because how lucky someone would be to have those big brown eyes to see the world with. We said yes to your skin, because we learned that cancer patients and burn patients benefited from this donation. We said yes to all your life saving organs, but to others we said no. Now 4 years later, knowing what I do; I say take everything from me. I would be honored to be of use to someone when I died.
“Most people go home to eat and/or get some rest after they sign the papers, because the next 4-5 hours a lot is happening!” “I am not most people” and I hate that phrase; NEVER say that phrase to me! I have never left you at a hospital at night without me; and I was not going to now! It was after midnight going into the 21st of November 2009. Everyone had left; all family and friends. Monica was persuaded to leave with Junior and go home and get some sleep. I could not leave. So daddy George and I stayed in the waiting room, thinking any moment I would finally be allowed back in your room.
I remembered after signing the papers EVERY thing changed and actions happened so fast as to cause me the most traumatic time since you stopped breathing. I knew that things would change in your room, and change does not do me good. I need to see the steps taking place in making a change. I had asked Eric if I would be able to come back into your room after every process or procedure was completed. He should have said No, but he said Yes. Most likely because he knew I wasn’t leaving and I had explained how difficult it would be for me to see you, or your situation in your room, different from how I was leaving you. But it was over 4-hours later before I could come back into your room and I just lost it! To be fair he had really tried to allow me back sooner, but everything was happening so fast on his end also. It couldn't be done. I was so angry and lashed out at everyone. Poor Veronica your nurse was trying so hard to get your room in order and I just placed my head on the foot of your bed and cried and cried... it was just too much this time!
I tried to sleep. I needed to rearrange my chair and position it close to your bed because everything had changed! I only slept an hour or two off and on. Camri your day nurse was back in the morning and I spoke with her about you and what had happened. How I always protected you and was so worried that you were being hurt or misused while we had to wait to reenter your room. I told her how just because you were handicap and didn’t understand you still deserved all the respect and dignity as anyone else. She was the best, and she told me about her family who owned a group home for mentally disabled adults and that she understood where I was coming form. I needed to protect you at all times, it was my job.
She comforted me in a way no one could have at that moment or time, and I told her I was going to do something I never did before; I was going to leave you at a hospital alone and go home for a few hours, so they could get your room in order without tiptoeing around me. I asked if she would look after you for me and make sure your room and bedding were clean and you were comfortable and clean and that two chairs would be placed on either side of your bed for me and your sister to sit. I told her I was leaving you in her care and I knew she would watch over you, and treat you gently and with respect and dignity. She said she would; and she did.
When we returned, your room was bright and open. The chairs were where they were asked to be. You look peaceful, warm, cozy and loved, tucked lovingly under fresh warm bedding. Your stuffed animal was next to you. And you did not stir or make a move, or flutter an eyelid. You continued to sleep peacefully and your hands were still warm and soft to me.
Mother
Today is difficult, surprisingly so after what has already happened this week and what we were going through. Maybe because of lack of sleep, numbness, shock and disbelief, I don’t know. I guess it could be added up to all the above. We signed the papers. We had waited as long as we could in delaying Eric; but we had already agreed that we would donate your organs.
At first Monica said NO; and if she had continued to express her desire to say no, we would not have done so. But her delay did not last long. We were thinking of it as your decision. We knew it is what you would want, and we knew it the right thing to do. Wasn’t it I who had completed your California ID card and checked the pink dot for you?
I guess I didn’t think the day would come, when I wouldn’t be going with you. Or I thought, like so many others that it would be an easy decision to see that you had passed and no other option prevailed. This situation, seeing you breathing and warm; watching the monitor and seeing your heart beat across the screen, it was different. How could I let you go? By signing those papers, would they stop waiting for you to wake up? I was saying goodbye to my breathing child; and what if one more day made a difference!
No matter that 2 doctors had declared you brain dead, and by all legal and probably moral purposes you had died, this mother still held out hope that surprise you would open your eyes and everything would be brought right in my world again.
Yet you did not stir, and as the night of the 20th came to a close Eric was letting us know that he would be leaving and his associate Robert would be coming in. I thought what if Robert is not as considerate as Eric, because although your ID had the pick dot on it, an exception was made for us! You didn’t make that decision for yourself, I did, so the decision was mine to make and One Legacy would honor and respect my wishes. What if Robert argued differently? Did I really want to proceed all over with someone different who had not been with us already, who did know our story and who you were, and how much you meant to us?
So at the very last moment I said yes, and we (myself, daddy George, Monica and Junior) went into another room to sit down with Eric and sign the papers. It was an eye opener. I never realized what could be donated. I had not an idea about tissue, bone, cartilages, skin! I had only thought vital organs were donated. I didn’t know that heart and lung transplants were very rare and only idea situations such as yours, made it possible; or that heart and lungs had to be transplanted within 6 hours, from donor, to recipient. We couldn’t say yes to bone, (someone told us bones were sold…not true! But at the time what did I know!).
We said yes to your eyes, because how lucky someone would be to have those big brown eyes to see the world with. We said yes to your skin, because we learned that cancer patients and burn patients benefited from this donation. We said yes to all your life saving organs, but to others we said no. Now 4 years later, knowing what I do; I say take everything from me. I would be honored to be of use to someone when I died.
“Most people go home to eat and/or get some rest after they sign the papers, because the next 4-5 hours a lot is happening!” “I am not most people” and I hate that phrase; NEVER say that phrase to me! I have never left you at a hospital at night without me; and I was not going to now! It was after midnight going into the 21st of November 2009. Everyone had left; all family and friends. Monica was persuaded to leave with Junior and go home and get some sleep. I could not leave. So daddy George and I stayed in the waiting room, thinking any moment I would finally be allowed back in your room.
I remembered after signing the papers EVERY thing changed and actions happened so fast as to cause me the most traumatic time since you stopped breathing. I knew that things would change in your room, and change does not do me good. I need to see the steps taking place in making a change. I had asked Eric if I would be able to come back into your room after every process or procedure was completed. He should have said No, but he said Yes. Most likely because he knew I wasn’t leaving and I had explained how difficult it would be for me to see you, or your situation in your room, different from how I was leaving you. But it was over 4-hours later before I could come back into your room and I just lost it! To be fair he had really tried to allow me back sooner, but everything was happening so fast on his end also. It couldn't be done. I was so angry and lashed out at everyone. Poor Veronica your nurse was trying so hard to get your room in order and I just placed my head on the foot of your bed and cried and cried... it was just too much this time!
I tried to sleep. I needed to rearrange my chair and position it close to your bed because everything had changed! I only slept an hour or two off and on. Camri your day nurse was back in the morning and I spoke with her about you and what had happened. How I always protected you and was so worried that you were being hurt or misused while we had to wait to reenter your room. I told her how just because you were handicap and didn’t understand you still deserved all the respect and dignity as anyone else. She was the best, and she told me about her family who owned a group home for mentally disabled adults and that she understood where I was coming form. I needed to protect you at all times, it was my job.
She comforted me in a way no one could have at that moment or time, and I told her I was going to do something I never did before; I was going to leave you at a hospital alone and go home for a few hours, so they could get your room in order without tiptoeing around me. I asked if she would look after you for me and make sure your room and bedding were clean and you were comfortable and clean and that two chairs would be placed on either side of your bed for me and your sister to sit. I told her I was leaving you in her care and I knew she would watch over you, and treat you gently and with respect and dignity. She said she would; and she did.
When we returned, your room was bright and open. The chairs were where they were asked to be. You look peaceful, warm, cozy and loved, tucked lovingly under fresh warm bedding. Your stuffed animal was next to you. And you did not stir or make a move, or flutter an eyelid. You continued to sleep peacefully and your hands were still warm and soft to me.
Mother
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