November 21- 22, 2013

The day opened up with you lying flat on your back. Your blood pressure had started to drop and they needed to keep you level. I was informed that if an emergency situation occurred, you would be rushed to the operating room and they would probably not be able to save your heart or lungs.

My journey now became that your organs would be recovered safely and I became the vigilant mom I had always been for you. “Your death would not be in vain!” Everyone who came to visit and say goodbye to you, had to wash their hands. If anyone so much as showed any sign of illness, they were not allowed in. I knew that blood work and tests could only go so far, and it would not be until you were in the OR and your organs were fully recovered would this journey be over. Your death would not be in vain, you would have a successful recovery. Nothing was going to prevent that from happening. I knew GOD would not have taken you from me for any lesser purpose.

We were asked if we wanted to know who your organs were going to and we said yes. When I was told that a 12 year old girl would receive your heart, I bursting with pride, went to the waiting room to tell your family. It made us all happy to know that a child would receive your heart. How appropriate that you my child, my little boy, my Peter Pan would be giving his heart to another child!

Everyone felt how lucky your recipients would be, to receive the organs from someone so pure and special as you; you who never had a cavity; and at age 31 still had your wisdom teeth; you who never drank or smoke; who was an angel among us all here on earth. You, to give life to others, when so many thought you would never do much in life. Whose doctors predicted would never even learn to rollover, much less sit-up, walk or even talk! You the Hero, the greatest of us all, were going to save others!

I remember being so tired, and your uncle John telling me to go home and get some sleep. No way could I leave you. I remember everyone giving me and Monica all the private time we wanted or needed; it was unspoken, but they remained in the waiting room and would come back to your room for a while and then leave you to us.

I remember Sylvia and Eddie (your daddy George's brother and sister) coming back and saying goodbye to you. Both of them having sat in the waiting room each day, all day,  since the 18th; never leaving and never coming back until the last moment and then they did, they came and said goodbye; and Sylvia commenting how warm you felt.

I remember Robert making your hand mold for us; and giving us a memory box from One Legacy. And how through it all you didn’t stir; you just slept; while One Legacy was doing their work, and testing your blood and matching your type; and locating those who were in need of your organs and giving families I may never know the good new; and reasons to hope and believe in miracles.

As the day rolled on and the evening of the 21st came, I said goodbye to Camri and Veronica came back as your night nurse. I apologized for the morning and she didn’t mind my behavior one bit. She would come in and check your vitals and keep adjusting your bed to regulate your body temperature, until daddy George took over for her and starting regulating you himself. It was funny and we would chuckle at him telling her, he had it under control.

Your dad, Steven and Aunt Teri would come and stay with you and I would try to give them time, but as the night grew longer I became more selfish; and I couldn’t leave you anymore.

My fondest and dearest memory was when the nurses moved you and all your tubes over to the side of your bed, so we could all take turns lying down next to you. This was my deepest and final wish to hold you one more time. To lie prone next to you, and wrap my arms around you like I did so many times before while you slept. It was me and your sister for an hour just taking turns holding you, and Veronica telling us to take all the time we needed; she would come in and check your vitals and then leave us never saying a word to disturb us. And daddy George came in with Junior and they both got to lie next to you and hold you and say goodbye to you. In my mind’s eye, I still feel it; and see it; and I will be forever grateful to have had that gift to hold you one final time. It is a memory so cherished in my heart. That is how I remember you warm, sleeping, peaceful.

And then to soon it was time to go. Everything was ready and we were leaving for the operating room. I was told that the medical team who had performed your shunt revision were the ones on call for your organ recovery surgery. I was told they were upset it was you, because in their short time with you, you had touched them. I remember one of your nurses coming by to say goodbye to you, and telling me you touched her heart as she placed her hand across her heart.  I thought how kind of her.

When we wheeled you out of your room, to take you to the OR, I grabbed one of the poles on the back of your bed, I think daddy George grabbed the other pole and as we walked by the waiting room all your family stood up and watched us go by, and then stepped out and followed us from behind. Aunt Margaret said it was like a parade procession. It is a beautiful vivid memory. I kissed you goodbye, daddy George kissed you goodbye, your father Steven kissed you goodbye and they were just about to take you into OR when I turned and said your sister needs to say goodbye. She doesn’t remember, but she had just crumbled to the floor. She said her goodbye and just sniffed you and sniffed you trying to keep your scent with her; I did the same. She laughs remembering the expressions on the doctor’s faces as she did so.

We waited at the hospital until all your organs were successfully recovered. “Most families go home and wait for a call from One Legacy when the recovery procedure is complete”… “I am not most families”.  It was a long wait.  Organ recovery is a long process.

Yes my son, your organs were all successfully recovered. We could not donate your eyes or skin because of the infection. And your pancreas was donated to science. But 6 organs were recovered and 6 lives were saved including the 12 year old child.  I had been vigilant to the end and was no longer needed by you. We left the hospital when they were taking you to the morgue. I didn’t have to see you again. I didn’t have to hold you again. I never saw you cold. I never saw your heart stop beating. I left the hospital without you and I would never see you again. You were cremated and remain now in a beautiful urn at home with us.

I remember that afternoon, it was a Sunday, four years ago today, November 22, 2009; I kept thinking of the mother of that child, and how I would be feeling if I was told a heart had been found for you. How happy I would be, how I would be calling my family and friends, telling everyone…“they found a heart for my Brian”…and knowing now you had a chance at life! I was thinking about that mother… and I wondered if she was thinking of me. Until we meet again, my love, my joy, my Brian, my son, Mother

November 21, 2013

Today is difficult, surprisingly so after what has already happened this week and what we were going through. Maybe because of lack of sleep, numbness, shock and disbelief, I don’t know. I guess it could be added up to all the above. We signed the papers. We had waited as long as we could in delaying Eric; but we had already agreed that we would donate your organs.

At first Monica said NO; and if she had continued to express her desire to say no, we would not have done so. But her delay did not last long. We were thinking of it as your decision. We knew it is what you would want, and we knew it the right thing to do. Wasn’t it I who had completed your California ID card and checked the pink dot for you?

I guess I didn’t think the day would come, when I wouldn’t be going with you. Or I thought, like so many others that it would be an easy decision to see that you had passed and no other option prevailed. This situation, seeing you breathing and warm; watching the monitor and seeing your heart beat across the screen, it was different. How could I let you go? By signing those papers, would they stop waiting for you to wake up? I was saying goodbye to my breathing child; and what if one more day made a difference!

No matter that 2 doctors had declared you brain dead, and by all legal and probably moral purposes you had died, this mother still held out hope that surprise you would open your eyes and everything would be brought right in my world again.

Yet you did not stir, and as the night of the 20th came to a close Eric was letting us know that he would be leaving and his associate Robert would be coming in. I thought what if Robert is not as considerate as Eric, because although your ID had the pick dot on it, an exception was made for us! You didn’t make that decision for yourself, I did, so the decision was mine to make and One Legacy would honor and respect my wishes. What if Robert argued differently? Did I really want to proceed all over with someone different who had not been with us already, who did know our story and who you were, and how much you meant to us?

So at the very last moment I said yes, and we (myself, daddy George, Monica and Junior) went into another room to sit down with Eric and sign the papers.  It was an eye opener. I never realized what could be donated. I had not an idea about tissue, bone, cartilages, skin! I had only thought vital organs were donated. I didn’t know that heart and lung transplants were very rare and only idea situations such as yours, made it possible; or that heart and lungs had to be transplanted within  6 hours, from donor, to recipient. We couldn’t say yes to bone, (someone told us bones were sold…not true! But at the time what did I know!).

We said yes to your eyes, because how lucky someone would be to have those big brown eyes to see the world with. We said yes to your skin, because we learned that cancer patients and burn patients benefited from this donation. We said yes to all your life saving organs, but to others we said no. Now 4 years later, knowing what I do; I say take everything from me. I would be honored to be of use to someone when I died.

“Most people go home to eat and/or get some rest after they sign the papers, because the next 4-5 hours a lot is happening!” “I am not most people” and I hate that phrase; NEVER say that phrase to me! I have never left you at a hospital at night without me; and I was not going to now! It was after midnight going into the 21st of November 2009. Everyone had left; all family and friends. Monica was persuaded to leave with Junior and go home and get some sleep. I could not leave. So daddy George and I stayed in the waiting room, thinking any moment I would finally be allowed back in your room.

I remembered after signing the papers EVERY thing changed and actions happened so fast as to cause me the most traumatic time since you stopped breathing. I knew that things would change in your room, and change does not do me good. I need to see the steps taking place in making a change. I had asked Eric if I would be able to come back into your room after every process or procedure was completed. He should have said No, but he said Yes.  Most likely because he knew I wasn’t leaving and I had explained how difficult it would be for me to see you, or your situation in your room, different from how I was leaving you. But it was over 4-hours  later before I could come back into your room and I just lost it! To be fair he had really tried to allow me back sooner, but everything was happening so fast on his end also. It couldn't be done. I was so angry and lashed out at everyone. Poor Veronica your nurse was trying so hard to get your room in order and I just placed my head on the foot of your bed and cried and cried... it was just too much this time!

I tried to sleep. I needed to rearrange my chair and position it close to your bed because everything had changed! I only slept an hour or two off and on. Camri your day nurse was back in the morning and I spoke with her about you and what had happened. How I always protected you and was so worried that you were being hurt or misused while we had to wait to reenter your room.  I told her how just because you were handicap and didn’t understand you still deserved all the respect and dignity as anyone else. She was the best, and she told me about her family who owned a group home for mentally disabled adults and that she understood where I was coming form. I needed to protect you at all times, it was my job.

She comforted me in a way no one could have at that moment or time, and I told her I was going to do something I never did before; I was going to leave you at a hospital alone and go home for a few hours, so they could get your room in order without tiptoeing around me. I asked if she would look after you for me and make sure your room and bedding were clean and you were comfortable and clean and that two chairs would be placed on either side of your bed for me and your sister to sit. I told her I was leaving you in her care and I knew she would watch over you, and treat you gently and with respect and dignity. She said she would; and she did.

When we returned, your room was bright and open. The chairs were where they were asked to be. You look peaceful, warm, cozy and loved, tucked lovingly under fresh warm bedding. Your stuffed animal was next to you. And you did not stir or make a move, or flutter an eyelid. You continued to sleep peacefully and your hands were still warm and soft to me.
Mother

November 20, 2013

No brain wave activity! The results told us by Dr. Copeland on the morning of November 20 2009. "No brain wave activity shown." When I asked in my stupid layman terms, if the results showed that you were considered to be flat-lined, Dr. Copeland looked at me and just kind of nodded. I wonder how doctors handle with straight faces, the insipid language we non-medical people will use, to describe technical terms or results we do not know, or understand. He may have felt I would understand the answer yes, to that question in my ignorance.

Looking back now, I see the additional questions; I could have or should have asked. But does it really matter now? He explained that there appeared to be a spark at the base of your skull (at the brain stem) and nothing more. The look of hope upon my face, I think, prompted him to look at your feet and hands and with a key rubbed it up each of your feet. I believe I saw one foot twitch, but he didn’t hold much support to the response. We discussed the event of you miraculously awaking, what consciousness you would have after so much damage that was done. Your quality of life, what would it be? I visualized you not smiling any more, and never being able to tell a girl she “looked nice” or greet another person with a hand shake and telling them “nice to meet you.” I saw my child laying there growing old; and never knowing what was going on around him, and how he would never be able to socialize with his friends again, or participate with Easter Seal. I thought how unfair that would be for you. How selfish for myself.

You were a miracle at birth, born with a malformed brain; and we concluded that what little brain matter you had, just could not fight the infection and the damage was complete and irreversible. So Dr. Copeland went and signed the forms declaring you “brain dead.” Thus November 20, 2009 became officially the day you died. Daddy George felt that day should have been November 18, 2009. I held out hope that a miracle was still possible, but it was fading. We still needed a second signature and we expected to receive it from Dr. Duong.

How do you feel when you are told your child is dead, but you are watching him and seeing him warm and breathing. You feel his heart beating, you can rub his legs and arms, and stroke his face and kiss him and it is just as if he sleeping. But no matter what I did, you did not stir.

Dr. Copeland was the first to suggest organ donation to us, but it had already crossed my mind, and I knew, before you were even pronounced dead, that doctors in the hospital we coming to test you. Why did a lung a specialist come to hear your lungs or a kidney specialist? I would just sit there and watch them. They would smile politely and check your vitals and smile again as they left. Could they only read my mind! I was indifferent to everything, but, how you were doing. Were you comfortable, could you feel pain, maybe you were trapped inside and they were all wrong! Maybe you just couldn’t communicate!

And then I would remember your eyes. I had seen them; I think when you returned from your CT scan the day before. Both eyes were fixed; and both eyes were cloudy. And I remember the test performed by  Dr. Copeland that told him your organs were shutting down. I have the words somewhere (the term he used), but right now I do not wish to look for it. It was shortly after we spoke (Dr. Copeland and me), when I saw one of your former nurses in the hall, she asked about you and your recovery. I told her what had happened and the results of the testing from Dr. Copeland. When she heard the "term" she said “oh yes, the organs are shutting down”… it validated what I was hearing and I was glad to have met her.

Monica saw the grim reaper (her words) and knew who he was before it ever occurred to me, walking back and forth in front of your room. We had told Camri we were considering organ donation. She told us someone from One Legacy was there if we wanted to speak with him. I smiled knowing Monica already knew that information.

Camri asked if we would like a priest come and we said yes. The priest came. We told him we were considering organ donation. He said that was wonderful and a beautiful gift to give to others (this made me feel better, although it had been years since I went to church; I wanted everything right for you). Last rites  were performed and he gave me the oil he used on a small tissue paper; he said “do not throw away, keep it or burn it, but do not throw it away.” I still have it. One of the nurses in ICU told me his prayer group would say a rosary for you that night … his “rosary group had already had miracles; he was sure a miracle would happen for you.”  I smiled and thanked him…and I  kept up the hope, but it was fading.

It wasn’t until 7:30 pm, that Dr. Duong came to sign your death certificate. He told us 2 signatures were needed and we informed him that Dr. Copeland had signed earlier. I asked how did this happen, it was not supposed to happen!”… He said he didn’t have an answer and he had not slept in 2 days going over and over everything, trying to find an answer. I thought welcome to my world, I hadn't slept either and everything was starting to blur.

Today, November 20, 2013, we will remember you as we always do on the  anniversary of your official death, with the launching of 31 white balloons (for your years on earth) and 4 pink balloons (for your time in heaven). So make sure to look to the sky at about 3:30 pm after Cash is out of school. Danny will launch his own white and pink balloon tonight when he comes home from school.

Each balloon  carries a tag with your E-Campaign address and this year I added your website address. Both sites tell about you and your beautiful life. They also offer opportunities for those who find them, to become and organ, eye and tissue donors in your memory. This celebration will continue each year from us to you; our wonderful son,  a beloved brother, and  a true angel who walked the earth for 31 years…and who is missed beyond words to express.

All my love, Mother

November 19, 2013

And now we are left to wait. Dr. Duong (your neurosurgeon) came in on the morning of the 18th and performed a spinal tab. Results showed no pressure build up or fluid buildup. He doesn’t know what happened. Your neurologist Dr. Copeland came in; he is without words as to the cause. Many doctors keep coming in and out and tests are beginning to be taken.

We wait, me for you to wake up, the others I do not know. I put your stuff toy next to you and put “I Love Lucy” on the TV. I have heard it said that the hearing is the last to go, so I keep talking to you. I tell you not to leave me, “to please come back” I hold out hope that you will. When your favorite shows are not on TV, I place headphones on your ears playing Bob Marley and Oldies but Goodies your other favorites.

I keep telling Monica how warm your hands feel, and I keep holding and rubbing them. We sit together all day and night on the 18 and the 19 and as word gets out, family and friends start showing up. Each time I go to stretch or take a break, I return and see someone new! I am usually gone less than an hour and I wonder how I didn’t pass them in the hall.  I will only leave when Daddy George is there to watch you, but your aunts are there and I give Monica time alone and well as family members who show.

And we wait; and wait, and still you do not stir. You do not make a noise. You do not flutter an eyelash. You do not move. You just lay there sleeping, quiet. Do you know we are there? Are you waiting for someone to come? I keep thinking the minute you hear Uncle Paul’s voice (he is flying in from North Carolina) you will awake. We had spent our last vacation in September with him and had such a great time. Uncle Paul comes… you do not awake. Maybe it is your father Steven. He is coming in as soon as he can from West Virginia. You must have missed him, is he who you are waiting for. Your dad arrives… you do not awake.

We are told 48 hours is the number. If anything is to change, it will happen within 48 hours. 24 hours have passed without change. You are taken to get another CT scan. I walk alongside your bed and the nurse has to use a pump to keep oxygen flowing in you. Every other time you needed a Scan or Ultra Sound  procedure, I, or daddy George, had to be by your side to comfort you and explain what was happening so you would stay still and quiet, most times the Dr. would need to give you medicine to put you to sleep; you would be scared and wouldn’t stay still. I offer and attempt to follow you in (out of habit) and this time, for the first time, I am told to just wait outside. I can understand, the nurse needs to be in my place to pump the oxygen, and I am unnecessary.

I have been at hospitals many times, I know to step away and not cause disruptions.  We are allowed to stay with you 24/7 even during shift changes. You happen to be in the hospital during a very bad flu virus season, so security is tight. When others are asked to leave their family’s room, your nurse Camri pulls the curtain around us, until everyone has left the ICU/CCU area, and then comes and pulls the curtain back open. I am grateful, every moment is precious; my sympathy for the other families does not extend to me changing the situation for myself.

And I continue to wait. It must be Jim, you two were so close. He truly loved you and you loved him. Jim arrives and you do not awake. Jim prays for a miracle and we both look toward you, and… you do not awake. I smile at him and tell him … “if only a miracle would happen”… I am starting to understand you may not be coming back.

Tomorrow morning will be 48 hours. It will require 2 doctors signing off on that decision.  Your sister and I will be with you all night, talking softly together, watching you. I am ready to act, just in case you open your eyes and want to pull that tube from your mouth. I continue to hold your hands, I enjoy the feel of them so soft, so warm. I will sleep holding them. Monica tells me later your hands did not feel warm to her, they felt cold and clammy. She said, the moment she saw you after we called her, she knew you were gone. I was blind to it all, I don't know if I didn't want to believe, or maybe you were with me, giving me the prolonged comfort of a little more time, before I had to say goodbye.   All my love, Mother

November 18, 2013

You stopped breathing!! How could it happen? We were right next to you. Your daddy George was watching you, he was just going to say goodbye to me and go home so Danny would not wake up alone at home, it was almost 5am, more like 4:40am, when I had just laid my head down at the foot of your bed stroking your legs. I was sitting in a chair pulled close. I don’t think my eyes were closed more than 5 or 10 min. We had just helped you up, and out of bed, to go potty, because you would not have it any other way. I was just speaking with you; trying to soothe you and comfort you…wishing the morning would come and bring in the doctors to see what was happening, why you were struggling. Believing if you could just sleep, you would awake feeling better and in good spirits, and this rough night would be over! It was four year ago on this date Nov 18, and I will always wonder... how could it happen?

When Tiffany (your ICU nurse that night) came in calling your name, I heard daddy George saying “oh no don’t wake him, he finally feel asleep”… and I sat up to echo his words, but she said you were not breathing!... the monitors told her before we knew. Those little plugs they put on your fingers to monitor your breath, those little plugs you hated so much and would yank off; and I would tell them you hated them and could they be removed on previous times, in past times, in other hospital visits not so long ago. That plug told her before we knew, you had stopped breathing; thank goodness the plug was on!

I looked at the monitor and saw you heart still beating; I looked at you and your lips were gray and I said “oh he is having a seizure”… I had seen that look before. I stepped aside and knew in my heart that they would give you the medicine you needed; and get the seizure under control. I remember thinking with the surgery and the headache and all that was going on, you must not have received your medicine, and everything going on contributed to a seizure! Sometimes to this day, I do think it was a seizure that took you from us. But, I don’t know, they say it was a powerful infection you were fighting!

You stopped breathing!… and it was rush rush rush! Code blue was called and I waited by the nurses station I heard someone say “do you want to call it” and that got my attention!  What are they saying?! And I heard someone say “his heart never stopped” and I thought, that’s right; it didn’t; the comment was crazy, a mistake; I saw on the monitor your heart beat going! And then Tiffany came out and asked if there was anyone we wanted to call… ‘no’….; and another nurse who remembered us from ER on the 16th came and said “you were in ER correct, ‘yes’… you have a very sick little boy and shaking her head with a pat on my shoulder walked away.

We entered your room and you were on a respirator. Tiffany said she placed a phone in your room; and asked again… “Are you sure there is no one you wish to call,” we looked at each other and I said ‘yes’...

Daddy George called your sister (because I was a weak and couldn’t do it, I didn’t want to hear her pain) and I called Marina (my dear friend) and asked her to pray for you. I sat next to you holding your hand, rubbing it and knowing in my heart that you would awake and want to pull that tube out of your throat, so I had better be ready to call the nurses. They say a mother always knows, well I am here to say that is not true! This mother never saw it coming.  

We planted this tree in your memory. It provides oxygen and gives breathe to all.  Big Daddy George and I will be planting his favorite flowers under your tree today in memory of you.  You are always in our thoughts and those who walk past our house see your tree. And hanging on it is the plaque we made telling everyone who this tree was planted for.  Never to be forgotten, all my love mother.

 November 17, 2013

Today I went hiking with your sister. I cannot speak about you to her very much; it is still too hard for her; especially about losing you. Each day, this week, I plan to do something in your memory and bring you with me in spirit and thoughts. I plan on capturing those days, 4 years ago, to remember you and to keep my memory correct. I do not want time to pass without documenting these important dates about you and what was happening. This blog has become my journal and my correspondence about you to others. Someday it will all be in a book, until then, your website is a wonderful place for me to write.

On this date four years ago, you had the surgery that was supposed to make everything ok. The problem I believe (or the first problem) occurred because your nurse was not advised that surgery would be performed that morning, Nov 17, 2009, and you had eaten breakfast. So your surgery was postponed until the evening of the same day. I always wonder if things would have been different if your surgery had taken place in the morning, when your doctors would have been more available, than they were that night.  As with so many things, we will never know.

You old shunt could not be removed, after 31 years the tubing and mechanism had fused to your tissues, so the new shunt needed to be placed alongside the old. The old tubing had not been sealed shut and your doctor believed your spinal fluid seeped out of the surgical site where the shunt valve was connected to the tubing valve. This is where your infection entered and how it traveled so fast to your brain.

Such a routine procedure we all felt. Seal the old tubing and treat the infection. I remember when you were brought out of surgery (around 8pm) and we were taken directly to a regular room, not the ICC/ICU unit as we had been taken the week before, after your first surgery. To me, this meant everything was great! I even told your sister not to come see you, because she was not feeling well. I truly believed you would be sitting up the next morning eating breakfast and within a day or two you would be coming home again.

But this time surgery did not go so well, you had a headache that could be controlled by the pain medicine given; and the headache got progressively worse. Your pain was so great! I can still hear you telling me your head hurt and then you were telling me they were blinding you! "They were blinding you"... did you even understand what you meant by saying those words? It was so frightening. Your nurse (Suzanne) called the doctor on call for you. He told her to stop bothering him and hung up on her!! I never got his name and I don’t know if I ever met him the next day. I often wonder if he thought about his behavior that night.  I wish your doctor Dr. Wielenga (your personal doctor) would have been available, but he was on vacation. Just another “what if” for us to endure for many years after losing you… We will never know if he would have made a difference? When your left eye became fixed, Suzanne set up an ultra sound test for you (which came back showing no problems, no fluid blockage, no pressure build up) BUT she insisted that you be transferred to the ICC/ICU unit. We were going back, and I was happy, because your care would be monitored. I called your daddy George and he came back to the hospital to help comfort you and support me. We called your sister and she spoke a few minutes with you and said she knew immediately something was wrong.

Your daddy George and I both felt if we could get your headache under control and you could rest, all would be better in the morning. I even was thinking how if your eye was damaged, what we could do to fix it, how we would go see your eye doctor and maybe you would need a glass eye or something. I determined if your eye was still fixed in the morning I would discuss it with him... how naive I was, so very silly of me when I think of it now.

I think we all just felt you were having a bad post-surgery. We didn’t understand and I didn’t think for a second, I would lose you. That you would not be coming home again. It never crossed my mind that night.

Always and forever with me, mother.

Four years ago today the infection came and you went back to the hospital. Antibiotics were given and you were in good spirits. I stayed with you all night and never left your side. Hopes were high, your shunt revision was a success and it never crossed our minds you would not come home again.     
       
Three years ago today, Landon came to us. The nephew you never met. Did you send him to us from heaven, knowing how much we would need him in our lives to continue without you?  He is so much like you in every way! It is amazing, if reincarnation exists, he would be proof of your return...but that is for GOD to tell us sometime later. It is bitter sweet, to be celebrating a new life, who turns 3 years today,  and mourning a loss so great as the loss of a beloved son.

Today we will celebrate Landon's birthday at "Build a Bear" and I will build a bear in your memory to donate to a child at Downey Regional Medical Center.  I love you and  miss you as always.

Each day this week, from November 16th until November 22nd when your organs were recovered, I will write a message of that journey. It is my grief to handle as I choose, and your story to tell. Forever all my love, mother.