November 20, 2013
No brain wave activity! The results told us by Dr. Copeland on the morning of November 20 2009. "No brain wave activity shown." When I asked in my stupid layman terms, if the results showed that you were considered to be flat-lined, Dr. Copeland looked at me and just kind of nodded. I wonder how doctors handle with straight faces, the insipid language we non-medical people will use, to describe technical terms or results we do not know, or understand. He may have felt I would understand the answer yes, to that question in my ignorance.
Looking back now, I see the additional questions; I could have or should have asked. But does it really matter now? He explained that there appeared to be a spark at the base of your skull (at the brain stem) and nothing more. The look of hope upon my face, I think, prompted him to look at your feet and hands and with a key rubbed it up each of your feet. I believe I saw one foot twitch, but he didn’t hold much support to the response. We discussed the event of you miraculously awaking, what consciousness you would have after so much damage that was done. Your quality of life, what would it be? I visualized you not smiling any more, and never being able to tell a girl she “looked nice” or greet another person with a hand shake and telling them “nice to meet you.” I saw my child laying there growing old; and never knowing what was going on around him, and how he would never be able to socialize with his friends again, or participate with Easter Seal. I thought how unfair that would be for you. How selfish for myself.
You were a miracle at birth, born with a malformed brain; and we concluded that what little brain matter you had, just could not fight the infection and the damage was complete and irreversible. So Dr. Copeland went and signed the forms declaring you “brain dead.” Thus November 20, 2009 became officially the day you died. Daddy George felt that day should have been November 18, 2009. I held out hope that a miracle was still possible, but it was fading. We still needed a second signature and we expected to receive it from Dr. Duong.
How do you feel when you are told your child is dead, but you are watching him and seeing him warm and breathing. You feel his heart beating, you can rub his legs and arms, and stroke his face and kiss him and it is just as if he sleeping. But no matter what I did, you did not stir.
Dr. Copeland was the first to suggest organ donation to us, but it had already crossed my mind, and I knew, before you were even pronounced dead, that doctors in the hospital we coming to test you. Why did a lung a specialist come to hear your lungs or a kidney specialist? I would just sit there and watch them. They would smile politely and check your vitals and smile again as they left. Could they only read my mind! I was indifferent to everything, but, how you were doing. Were you comfortable, could you feel pain, maybe you were trapped inside and they were all wrong! Maybe you just couldn’t communicate!
And then I would remember your eyes. I had seen them; I think when you returned from your CT scan the day before. Both eyes were fixed; and both eyes were cloudy. And I remember the test performed by Dr. Copeland that told him your organs were shutting down. I have the words somewhere (the term he used), but right now I do not wish to look for it. It was shortly after we spoke (Dr. Copeland and me), when I saw one of your former nurses in the hall, she asked about you and your recovery. I told her what had happened and the results of the testing from Dr. Copeland. When she heard the "term" she said “oh yes, the organs are shutting down”… it validated what I was hearing and I was glad to have met her.
Monica saw the grim reaper (her words) and knew who he was before it ever occurred to me, walking back and forth in front of your room. We had told Camri we were considering organ donation. She told us someone from One Legacy was there if we wanted to speak with him. I smiled knowing Monica already knew that information.
Camri asked if we would like a priest come and we said yes. The priest came. We told him we were considering organ donation. He said that was wonderful and a beautiful gift to give to others (this made me feel better, although it had been years since I went to church; I wanted everything right for you). Last rites were performed and he gave me the oil he used on a small tissue paper; he said “do not throw away, keep it or burn it, but do not throw it away.” I still have it. One of the nurses in ICU told me his prayer group would say a rosary for you that night … his “rosary group had already had miracles; he was sure a miracle would happen for you.” I smiled and thanked him…and I kept up the hope, but it was fading.
It wasn’t until 7:30 pm, that Dr. Duong came to sign your death certificate. He told us 2 signatures were needed and we informed him that Dr. Copeland had signed earlier. I asked how did this happen, it was not supposed to happen!”… He said he didn’t have an answer and he had not slept in 2 days going over and over everything, trying to find an answer. I thought welcome to my world, I hadn't slept either and everything was starting to blur.
Today, November 20, 2013, we will remember you as we always do on the anniversary of your official death, with the launching of 31 white balloons (for your years on earth) and 4 pink balloons (for your time in heaven). So make sure to look to the sky at about 3:30 pm after Cash is out of school. Danny will launch his own white and pink balloon tonight when he comes home from school.
Each balloon carries a tag with your E-Campaign address and this year I added your website address. Both sites tell about you and your beautiful life. They also offer opportunities for those who find them, to become and organ, eye and tissue donors in your memory. This celebration will continue each year from us to you; our wonderful son, a beloved brother, and a true angel who walked the earth for 31 years…and who is missed beyond words to express.
All my love, Mother
No brain wave activity! The results told us by Dr. Copeland on the morning of November 20 2009. "No brain wave activity shown." When I asked in my stupid layman terms, if the results showed that you were considered to be flat-lined, Dr. Copeland looked at me and just kind of nodded. I wonder how doctors handle with straight faces, the insipid language we non-medical people will use, to describe technical terms or results we do not know, or understand. He may have felt I would understand the answer yes, to that question in my ignorance.
Looking back now, I see the additional questions; I could have or should have asked. But does it really matter now? He explained that there appeared to be a spark at the base of your skull (at the brain stem) and nothing more. The look of hope upon my face, I think, prompted him to look at your feet and hands and with a key rubbed it up each of your feet. I believe I saw one foot twitch, but he didn’t hold much support to the response. We discussed the event of you miraculously awaking, what consciousness you would have after so much damage that was done. Your quality of life, what would it be? I visualized you not smiling any more, and never being able to tell a girl she “looked nice” or greet another person with a hand shake and telling them “nice to meet you.” I saw my child laying there growing old; and never knowing what was going on around him, and how he would never be able to socialize with his friends again, or participate with Easter Seal. I thought how unfair that would be for you. How selfish for myself.
You were a miracle at birth, born with a malformed brain; and we concluded that what little brain matter you had, just could not fight the infection and the damage was complete and irreversible. So Dr. Copeland went and signed the forms declaring you “brain dead.” Thus November 20, 2009 became officially the day you died. Daddy George felt that day should have been November 18, 2009. I held out hope that a miracle was still possible, but it was fading. We still needed a second signature and we expected to receive it from Dr. Duong.
How do you feel when you are told your child is dead, but you are watching him and seeing him warm and breathing. You feel his heart beating, you can rub his legs and arms, and stroke his face and kiss him and it is just as if he sleeping. But no matter what I did, you did not stir.
Dr. Copeland was the first to suggest organ donation to us, but it had already crossed my mind, and I knew, before you were even pronounced dead, that doctors in the hospital we coming to test you. Why did a lung a specialist come to hear your lungs or a kidney specialist? I would just sit there and watch them. They would smile politely and check your vitals and smile again as they left. Could they only read my mind! I was indifferent to everything, but, how you were doing. Were you comfortable, could you feel pain, maybe you were trapped inside and they were all wrong! Maybe you just couldn’t communicate!
And then I would remember your eyes. I had seen them; I think when you returned from your CT scan the day before. Both eyes were fixed; and both eyes were cloudy. And I remember the test performed by Dr. Copeland that told him your organs were shutting down. I have the words somewhere (the term he used), but right now I do not wish to look for it. It was shortly after we spoke (Dr. Copeland and me), when I saw one of your former nurses in the hall, she asked about you and your recovery. I told her what had happened and the results of the testing from Dr. Copeland. When she heard the "term" she said “oh yes, the organs are shutting down”… it validated what I was hearing and I was glad to have met her.
Monica saw the grim reaper (her words) and knew who he was before it ever occurred to me, walking back and forth in front of your room. We had told Camri we were considering organ donation. She told us someone from One Legacy was there if we wanted to speak with him. I smiled knowing Monica already knew that information.
Camri asked if we would like a priest come and we said yes. The priest came. We told him we were considering organ donation. He said that was wonderful and a beautiful gift to give to others (this made me feel better, although it had been years since I went to church; I wanted everything right for you). Last rites were performed and he gave me the oil he used on a small tissue paper; he said “do not throw away, keep it or burn it, but do not throw it away.” I still have it. One of the nurses in ICU told me his prayer group would say a rosary for you that night … his “rosary group had already had miracles; he was sure a miracle would happen for you.” I smiled and thanked him…and I kept up the hope, but it was fading.
It wasn’t until 7:30 pm, that Dr. Duong came to sign your death certificate. He told us 2 signatures were needed and we informed him that Dr. Copeland had signed earlier. I asked how did this happen, it was not supposed to happen!”… He said he didn’t have an answer and he had not slept in 2 days going over and over everything, trying to find an answer. I thought welcome to my world, I hadn't slept either and everything was starting to blur.
Today, November 20, 2013, we will remember you as we always do on the anniversary of your official death, with the launching of 31 white balloons (for your years on earth) and 4 pink balloons (for your time in heaven). So make sure to look to the sky at about 3:30 pm after Cash is out of school. Danny will launch his own white and pink balloon tonight when he comes home from school.
Each balloon carries a tag with your E-Campaign address and this year I added your website address. Both sites tell about you and your beautiful life. They also offer opportunities for those who find them, to become and organ, eye and tissue donors in your memory. This celebration will continue each year from us to you; our wonderful son, a beloved brother, and a true angel who walked the earth for 31 years…and who is missed beyond words to express.
All my love, Mother
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