“I don’t know,”…that was my answer when I was asked a few nights ago, what do you want to achieve? What do you want to happen? “I don’t know!”
What is it I am looking for? Why do I keep striving to complete so many things? What do the journals mean, the book, the website, the foundation? Even the ever commented upon Facebook page?
What do I want to happen? What am I looking for? I comment on his Facebook page; I am starting his book; I built him a website; I journal to him; I kick myself for not getting more done, not working faster or smarter. I depress those that love me and leave them feeling helpless, or lash out at them, because I don’t think they understand what I need from them to do what I need to do.
I have thought about this question now, for the last few days, and have come to realize that what I want, that what I desire, that what I am trying to accomplish is one simple thing. I want my Son BACK! I want to bring him back to me! I want him back! So I talk to him on his Facebook page knowing no reply will come back to me, but I feel I am communicating to him and he sees my texts and laughs and understand.
So I write in his journal to tell him how much I miss him, and what is going in the family and with me, to capture the day without him here, so he can experience it with us and in this way he was with us.
I say the book is for my grandson’s so they will know their uncle Brian, but it is also for me to relive moments that existed when he was here, the crazy things he did, the loving heart he shared, the worries he gave me. By bringing his story to life I know that anyone who reads it will know he did exist and he still does. Just as all the characters in the books we read exist in our imagination and influence our lives: Atticus and Scout, Homer, Tess of the D’Urbervilles, or Harry Potter and Peter Pan. Character’s influential in changing a person's life, or magical and charming bringing them laughter and awe.
If he exists in minds of the reader, although I know he did in my life as flesh and blood, I can bring him back in some way and he is here for eternity, changing the life of someone, or giving laughter and courage to another. Is this crazy, am I nuts? What am I searching for?
I speak of him as often as I am asked and I love it because I am creating a new memory with him as I do so. So I share his story, no matter how painful. I Run/Walk because the day becomes his day. The pictures are of him and we all celebrate “Team Brian”…everything is centered on him; he is with us!
When or where does it stop? Do I want it to stop? Those are my questions, my cross to bear; no one can answer it for me. If something I am focused on achieving stops or get blocked, I will circumvent it and find another path to walk. I want him back and he is never coming back, I know that! But that does not mean I have to accept, that I cannot desire, with all my heart, that he be returned to me; and that, being a futile request, I will continue to create his breathing, living presence in my life until I am ready to say enough! I have tried enough.
Am I crazy? Am I nuts! Is grief so full of this choking endless suffocation and that the abyss looks to be the only release? I believe in what I am doing, it is what grips my fingertips and saves them from slipping and falling and releasing. So I continue this journey in my bid to immortalize him, so I can continue to feel the remnants of what is left of his existence in my life. Because I want him back and he is not returning to me!
What is it I am looking for? Why do I keep striving to complete so many things? What do the journals mean, the book, the website, the foundation? Even the ever commented upon Facebook page?
What do I want to happen? What am I looking for? I comment on his Facebook page; I am starting his book; I built him a website; I journal to him; I kick myself for not getting more done, not working faster or smarter. I depress those that love me and leave them feeling helpless, or lash out at them, because I don’t think they understand what I need from them to do what I need to do.
I have thought about this question now, for the last few days, and have come to realize that what I want, that what I desire, that what I am trying to accomplish is one simple thing. I want my Son BACK! I want to bring him back to me! I want him back! So I talk to him on his Facebook page knowing no reply will come back to me, but I feel I am communicating to him and he sees my texts and laughs and understand.
So I write in his journal to tell him how much I miss him, and what is going in the family and with me, to capture the day without him here, so he can experience it with us and in this way he was with us.
I say the book is for my grandson’s so they will know their uncle Brian, but it is also for me to relive moments that existed when he was here, the crazy things he did, the loving heart he shared, the worries he gave me. By bringing his story to life I know that anyone who reads it will know he did exist and he still does. Just as all the characters in the books we read exist in our imagination and influence our lives: Atticus and Scout, Homer, Tess of the D’Urbervilles, or Harry Potter and Peter Pan. Character’s influential in changing a person's life, or magical and charming bringing them laughter and awe.
If he exists in minds of the reader, although I know he did in my life as flesh and blood, I can bring him back in some way and he is here for eternity, changing the life of someone, or giving laughter and courage to another. Is this crazy, am I nuts? What am I searching for?
I speak of him as often as I am asked and I love it because I am creating a new memory with him as I do so. So I share his story, no matter how painful. I Run/Walk because the day becomes his day. The pictures are of him and we all celebrate “Team Brian”…everything is centered on him; he is with us!
When or where does it stop? Do I want it to stop? Those are my questions, my cross to bear; no one can answer it for me. If something I am focused on achieving stops or get blocked, I will circumvent it and find another path to walk. I want him back and he is never coming back, I know that! But that does not mean I have to accept, that I cannot desire, with all my heart, that he be returned to me; and that, being a futile request, I will continue to create his breathing, living presence in my life until I am ready to say enough! I have tried enough.
Am I crazy? Am I nuts! Is grief so full of this choking endless suffocation and that the abyss looks to be the only release? I believe in what I am doing, it is what grips my fingertips and saves them from slipping and falling and releasing. So I continue this journey in my bid to immortalize him, so I can continue to feel the remnants of what is left of his existence in my life. Because I want him back and he is not returning to me!
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