The Grief of Time

I remember being told many years ago that the tears and ache in my chest would fade away with time after the death of a loved one. This person told me that he would try and recapture that feeling after time had passed from his fathers death and that when my mom died I should try to hold onto the feeling, for as long as I could. I understood what he meant when that feeling slowly faded as the years passed. When Brian passed that feeling, that choking closing feeling and the tears have lasted for 3 years now but they are not as often as the first 2 years and and while not a week goes by that tears are not shed, they are not as heavy or long lasting as before. As time moves forward they will continue to come less often and I can speak of him and remember him without having the choking ache in my chest. I understand that this is healing, but it is also a reminder that time keeps moving forward, that the lessening of the tears and the choking ache, are reminders for me that time and distance will come between my time with Brian and my time without him... I don't like time interfering...time was supposed to have stopped when Brian died, didn't the world get the message that things could not continue without his presence here!... Tears are not a weakness, they are powerful and necessary. Tears are healing and releasing; Tears help share a story to painful to speak aloud, and I thank GOD, so wise in giving to his people this ability to purge pain, to drain and clear the soul of sorrow, and empty the heart of darkness and doubt. These areas of course all fill back up again, but with each release, the build up again is not so overflowing and griping as time goes on... so I embrace my tears, and I let others see them, I want them to know that I lost my son and that I am hurting very deeply. I think it is my selfish indulgence, but I do feel I deserve to be selfish in my grief! And as time continues forward, I know I will say come back my tears, my loss is not over, come back my ache, the pain is still there. Thus is grief and as such my future alone without my son.