They say that time never stops. But that is an untrue statement. It is a fallacy. Time does stop. When you lose a child, time stops, and your child remains forever through all eternity, the age they were when they died. On that day, at that hour, minute, second and moment time stopped for them. And for their family and friends, all memories and stories and journeys with them have ended, never again will a moment come that will be shared or experienced with them. Time with them in your life has stopped.
Today is your sister's birthday. I know you would wish to tell her happy birthday, so I have done it for you on your Facebook page... "Happy Birthday Modika the Beautiful", her nickname you sometimes called her. I know you would wish to tell her how grateful you are that she was your sister and how much you appreciated all that she did for you. I do believe you were the only one, and still the only one (with the exception of her two boys); she allowed full hugs and kisses from. She protected you and watched you as if you were her own. In fact we thought she would never have children, because her child was you. And then Cash came and we thought why? Is this a sign that you were leaving us? How funny that we both felt the same thing. And two years later it was true. You left us. You died and you are forever frozen in time, at 31 years of age... plus 20 days, I did not count the minutes.
Since that day so much has happened that do not include you. Your face, your beautiful face has not been captured in a new picture for almost 5-years now. Nor, has your voice been heard, your scent inhaled, your laughter, or your smile captured in a memory and returned back to you. Time stopped for you and we cannot share moments with you anymore, nor watch your reaction, or see your expression, nor hear your comments.
Another nephew was born since you died. Landon was delivered to us one year exactly from the date you went back to the hospital for the last time, November 16, 2010. And Monica and I said, GOD sent us two (2) to replace the one (1) he took, because one (1) neither would, nor could, ever fill the void we felt. And Landon is so much like you and knows things above what he should. He reminds us so much of you, we often wonder... does reincarnation exists? Maybe you returned to us! It is fleeting hope. The other day he told big daddy George "I love you so much" and it reminded me of you, when you would say the exact words to me "I love you so much mother...I love you so much."
I write this blog today, because for me time does not heal as it moves forward. Time will only heal for me, when time has decided to stop for me. The pain I feel in my loss of you remains just as great as ever, and I wonder that I will ever find the peace so many others tell me they have come to accept, with the loss they are experiencing. What I have learned though, is that time is precious. So very precious, because time does stop. And if we prepare ourselves with that acceptance, then we are obliged, I think, to cherish every moment we have with those we love and care for, for when time stops it is only those memories we have, and we have to travel backwards in our thoughts to receive them. It is those memories that we cling to and try so very hard to re-capture. Your footprint in our life is gone. We can only search behind us to see you, to remember you, to share you with those who never knew you, like your nephews and new family members and new friends.
I think I am writing because with your sister's birthday I remember days of past, days which you were a part of; days when I heard your voice and you were here celebrating your sister’s day with us. She wanted her birthday meal to be hamburgers and French fries and I said NO, that is your birthday meal and no one else. You would think I am silly about this and I can hear you say... Mother, Monica wants hamburgers and French fries; you have to make it for her... it’s her birthday!
But, what am I to do? I am crying over the loss of you and wishing happiness and good cheer of celebration for your sister, because although time stopped for you, it still moved forward for us. Time stops, and time moves forward, but time never goes back!
So I am left with rambling reflections. Thankfulness that your sister still journeys this life with us; thankfulness that I had you for 31 years. And I am left with anger and deep sadness that time stopped for you 5 years ago on November 20, 2009.
Look down upon us my son and blow birthday kisses to your sister, send us a sign that these posts I write on this site of yours and the messages I send to you via your Facebook page are read, then maybe I can believe, that your spirit, your soul, your quintessence of purity, never stopped with time, but continues with us in another light. I love you so much my son. Until we meet again Mother.
Today is your sister's birthday. I know you would wish to tell her happy birthday, so I have done it for you on your Facebook page... "Happy Birthday Modika the Beautiful", her nickname you sometimes called her. I know you would wish to tell her how grateful you are that she was your sister and how much you appreciated all that she did for you. I do believe you were the only one, and still the only one (with the exception of her two boys); she allowed full hugs and kisses from. She protected you and watched you as if you were her own. In fact we thought she would never have children, because her child was you. And then Cash came and we thought why? Is this a sign that you were leaving us? How funny that we both felt the same thing. And two years later it was true. You left us. You died and you are forever frozen in time, at 31 years of age... plus 20 days, I did not count the minutes.
Since that day so much has happened that do not include you. Your face, your beautiful face has not been captured in a new picture for almost 5-years now. Nor, has your voice been heard, your scent inhaled, your laughter, or your smile captured in a memory and returned back to you. Time stopped for you and we cannot share moments with you anymore, nor watch your reaction, or see your expression, nor hear your comments.
Another nephew was born since you died. Landon was delivered to us one year exactly from the date you went back to the hospital for the last time, November 16, 2010. And Monica and I said, GOD sent us two (2) to replace the one (1) he took, because one (1) neither would, nor could, ever fill the void we felt. And Landon is so much like you and knows things above what he should. He reminds us so much of you, we often wonder... does reincarnation exists? Maybe you returned to us! It is fleeting hope. The other day he told big daddy George "I love you so much" and it reminded me of you, when you would say the exact words to me "I love you so much mother...I love you so much."
I write this blog today, because for me time does not heal as it moves forward. Time will only heal for me, when time has decided to stop for me. The pain I feel in my loss of you remains just as great as ever, and I wonder that I will ever find the peace so many others tell me they have come to accept, with the loss they are experiencing. What I have learned though, is that time is precious. So very precious, because time does stop. And if we prepare ourselves with that acceptance, then we are obliged, I think, to cherish every moment we have with those we love and care for, for when time stops it is only those memories we have, and we have to travel backwards in our thoughts to receive them. It is those memories that we cling to and try so very hard to re-capture. Your footprint in our life is gone. We can only search behind us to see you, to remember you, to share you with those who never knew you, like your nephews and new family members and new friends.
I think I am writing because with your sister's birthday I remember days of past, days which you were a part of; days when I heard your voice and you were here celebrating your sister’s day with us. She wanted her birthday meal to be hamburgers and French fries and I said NO, that is your birthday meal and no one else. You would think I am silly about this and I can hear you say... Mother, Monica wants hamburgers and French fries; you have to make it for her... it’s her birthday!
But, what am I to do? I am crying over the loss of you and wishing happiness and good cheer of celebration for your sister, because although time stopped for you, it still moved forward for us. Time stops, and time moves forward, but time never goes back!
So I am left with rambling reflections. Thankfulness that your sister still journeys this life with us; thankfulness that I had you for 31 years. And I am left with anger and deep sadness that time stopped for you 5 years ago on November 20, 2009.
Look down upon us my son and blow birthday kisses to your sister, send us a sign that these posts I write on this site of yours and the messages I send to you via your Facebook page are read, then maybe I can believe, that your spirit, your soul, your quintessence of purity, never stopped with time, but continues with us in another light. I love you so much my son. Until we meet again Mother.
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